Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

I'm really mixed about sharing this here, so I'll probably just keep it up a few days...but, it captures so much of my heart right now. I hope you enjoy it, too.

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A Christmas Daybook

As visions of sugar plums danced in her head

The kids were sparkly during the Christmas Vigil Mass tonight. My youngest held my face in his hands and said "Merry Christmas Mommy! And Happy Birthday, Jesus!" during the final hymn. My heart is still all melty. The kids ran home (we live next door to Church, convenient, huh?) to open their one Christmas present they get to open on Christmas Eve. Even though they know it is pajamas every year, they still quiver in excitement over this first gift. My sweet girl fell asleep on the couch before we could get her into bed. She slept right through Santa's arrival (per Norad). I wish I could be the fly on the wall that gets to see her face when she wakes up in the morning. I suspect, it will be an early Christmas this year. How can you not sneak a peak when you are sleeping right in front of the tree??? And, once you peak, how on earth can you be expected to ever go back to sleep???

Merry Christmas, my friends. May you all have a blessed day full of Christ's peace, joy and love. And visions of sugar plums dancing in your sleepy heads. :)

You're Here Francesca Battistelli - Mary & Jesus Christmas Music Video

Holding on to peace

I've been finding it very difficult to find a moment to write here. And, to be honest, a moment to think. And a moment to pray. And, that my friends, is probably the whole of my problem.

Between out of town guests and a husband back to a normal ObGyn Intern's schedule (I'm not supposed to "exaggerate" his hours...so I just won't mention them. Use your imagination. Then double it) and finding out my son has a huge school project to catch up on before we can truly relax into Christmas break--I've been having trouble holding on to peace.

This morning, I've decided to let God's peace hold on to me instead. Yes, the children are loud and stir crazy (torrential rains on our side of the island this morning). Yes, my husband just worked a 28 hours shift (and no, he doesn't get time for a nap) and is now trying to catch a few hours of sleep before coming home. Yes, our visitor is still here and no matter how much you love someone and enjoy their company a month is a very long time to have a house guest.

Still, right now, in this moment, I'm turning my heart to a much more important Yes. A yes from a young woman not yet married. A young girl, really, who questioned the angel before her, but didn't run away. She said, Let it be done. To me. According to your word.

And my thoughts turn toward a long and uncomfortable journey toward Bethlehem (on a DONKEY, and I used to complain when I was pregnant about a long car ride..). A young couple, obedient to God's angels and to the law of their land.

What courage it must have taken that holy couple to keep asking for a room after being turned away again and again. What faith to deliver your first child. Alone. In a stable. Far from home.

I don't know if both Joseph and Mary were able to hold on to peace through all of that. But, I do know that the peace of God must have been carrying them each step of the way. The Prince of Peace was very present with them.

Prepare a way for him, we are instructed. And, we do. But, we must remember it is our Lord. Our King. Our Savior we are expecting! We were lost, but now we are found! We were once in darkness, but He is the light! He is the Prince of peace. Peace. We do not make that peace, my friends. We simply prepare the way... And, no lonely stable, or long work week, or uncomfortable donkey ride, or cranky kids can steal us away from Our Lord's peace.

So, I'm pouring a second cup of coffee. Curling up before the place there will soon be a tree. And perhaps making the best preparations of all by simply sitting. Still.

Thank you for listening as I sort through this heart of mine.

Christ's Peace be with you. Always.

P.S. The next place I clicked was to Elizabeth Foss's most recent column. Go be inspired about how we can say Yes to our children this Advent.

Constanly being saved...

Sometimes I happen upon something online that hits the nail on the head. The following article is from 2002, but I really feel compelled to share it. It is a question I've been asked often, all my life. And, I've come to understand the answer better as time goes on, but this article really spelled it out for me. Hope you enjoy too!


http://www.catholic.org/featured/headline.php?ID=105

We're still enjoying our special visitor, so I haven't found myself with much time to start writing the series anywhere other than in my head. In the mean time, I'm really enjoying reading the stories and thoughts of other converts on the web. I'll try to link to some of my favorites soon, too.

Ama Namin

My sister's Tagalog Tutor in the Phillipines just assigned the Lord's Prayer (in Tagalog) as homework. I found this on You Tube and now I want to learn it too! Race you to the finish line, Em :)

A sense of Faith

Being a convert, I have so many important people in my life who do not understand what I have possibly found to be "attractive" about the Catholic Church. It is so difficult to explain how one makes their journey toward Truth. It is so different for everyone. I am so excited about what I have found, so humbled by what I have learned and continue to learn about Christianity that sometimes it can be tempting to prattle on without catching a breath hoping that my words can somehow convince, persuade and convert. The truth is, only the Holy Spirit can convert anyone. Not me. Sure, I can be a witness, I can share this blog, I can try to share what I'm learning when someone is willing to listen, I can pray for others daily...but, I myself, cannot change a single heart. I am not the spark inside each person I meet, I can only pray my life and faith fans the spark of faith in others and hopefully never does anything to snuff it out. It comes back to that daily prayer to connect my actions to the intentions of my heart. A daily. Moment by Moment. Begin again and again. Prayer.

I want to start a series here where I can try to share my sense of the Catholic Faith. There are thousands of books written on our Faith, many hundreds alone on the spiritual and scholarly aspects of the Holy Mass. I am neither a scholar nor a theologian. But, I am a person who has always desired to have faith...to seek out Truth...and then to be obedient to whatever truth I come to find. It is my hope that I may paint a picture, albeit faintly, of what it is like for me to be Catholic. That, perhaps, some of my friends and family (and other readers) may gain a glimmer of the depth of my faith...the gratitude I have for this Church, that I believe Christ himself left for us here on earth.

I'm planning to begin by taking you step by step through what celebrating the Mass is like for me.
I'd also like to invite all of you to share your experiences in celebrating the Holy Mass and perhaps your questions. It may not be the Sistine Chapel, but it can still be a beautiful representation of our faith journeys.

In addition to the Holy Mass, I would like to share with you my experiences in praying the Rosary, living in communion with the saints,  living the liturgical year at home, continuing the formation of my faith, and being a Catechist.

If I err, gently correct me. If I offend, assume the best and know I would never purposely step on a fragile heart. And please, as always, pray for me!

Danielle Bean » Veni Veni Emmanuel

Danielle Bean just posted the most beautiful youtube. And with lyrics in Latin. Loving it. Deep, deep, sigh.

Danielle Bean » Veni Veni Emmanuel

A special visitor

 

We're enjoying Great-Grandma's visit so much,
She's staying until Christmas! :)
So, if the blog continues to be quiet(er)
You know where we are: listening to great stories of a 90 year old life. 

St. Andrew's Chaplet

I've mentioned it before...

But, it is worth mentioning again and again...

I am so grateful for the  

women who have graciously nourished my faith...

And helped me learn how to build our little Domestic Church...

It is only a couple of days late, 

but I made my first St. Andrew's Chaplet to accompany

the beautiful Novena we are praying through Advent.

It took 10 minutes to make this. 

And cost about $7.00. 

I plan to make one for each of us.

For someone who is not at all crafty,

I am quite pleased with how this turned out!

Simply Waiting

It need not be much...

Candles placed

An empty creche

Stones that pave a path...

...that lead to waiting stables

Places to pause and prepare our hearts

to empty ourselves of so much world...

And wait to welcome Him

Instead.

A Thanksgiving Daybook

Outside my window
the sun is just rising and the palms look black and feathery against the lightening sky.

I am listening to
 Table Songs: Music for Communion

I am wearing 
long black pj pants and a black pj shirt. So tempting not to get dressed today.


I am thinking
how to make daily mass a part of my (almost) daily routine again. It is trickier here than it was in Virginia to find a time that fits. But, yesterday reminded me that when I put time with our Lord first (when I give out of my poverty of time, not just the abundance of it) I am blessed with a grace-filled day.

I am pondering

Strive to see God in all things without exception, and acquiesce in His will with absolute submission. Do everything for God, uniting yourself to Him by a mere upward glance, or by the overflowing of your heart towards Him. Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inward peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset. Commend all to God, and then lie still and be at rest in His bosom. Whatever happens, abide steadfast in a determination to cling simply to God, trusting to His eternal love for you; and if you find that you have wandered forth from this shelter, recall your heart quietly and simply. Maintain a holy simplicity of mind, and do not smother yourself with a host of cares, wishes, or longings, under any pretext."  --  Saint Francis De Sales  (thank you to Peace Mama for bringing this quote to my attention recently at The secret to true peace)

I am creating

(and I don't know why italics will *not* turn off!)

A home that I pray breathes Thanksgiving and Christ

A few plans for the rest of the week

Bake pies

Take Great-Grandma for drives along our beautiful Hawaiian coast

Meet sweet friends on the beach Thanksgiving morning (after Mass, of course!)

God bless you and yours this Thanksgiving week!

 

Being still amid the chaos

Being still amid the chaos

This morning I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Even though I woke up early and should have had plenty of time to move smoothly through my morning it seemed that everything I touched became a complication. Quickly, I became frazzled. We are expecting my husband's 90 year old grandmother to arrive tonight. The house, this morning, was still in the middle of "The Great Book Sort" (you know, when you start putting books away and then you realize they are no longer grouped and pretty soon there are piles everywhere and you still need to clean the bathrooms? No? Well, now you know...). My to do list looked daunting. I also remembered I had an appointment today. Oh, and my youngest was starting to look a little bit like those allergies could actually be turning into a cold again. I seriously wanted to scream. In fact, if you asked my kids, they will probably tell you that I did, indeed, scream (I'd say more like a whiny yell, but perception is 9/10 of the law).

I was reaching out in frantic fragments of prayer, but it seemed like I wasn't staying with any one thought or any one task for longer than a millisecond. Then, I had the thought that I should go to Daily Mass today and immediately tried to push it out of my head. Where on earth would I fit that in? How on earth could a day that was starting this badly turn into the sort of day that meant everyone was dropped off at their respective places in time for me to make the 8am Mass across town? But, the Holy Spirit didn't give up and soon ignoring this inspiration was feeling a lot like direct disobedience. So, I prayed to get myself out of my way and within a few minutes we were miraculously out the door. And, I even arrived at Daily Mass 5 minutes early.

Stillness came over me as soon as I knelt down in prayer. I felt like I was being told to abandon myself to our Lord. And the sort of abandon that a child has--complete trust, complete love, complete joy. My breathing slowed. My swirling to do list evaporated and I was present in the eternal now of God's kingdom. Suddenly, I knew it wasn't about an urgent list, but about a sweet surrender to love. All things done in love. All things done in service to my Lord. All things done with joy. Jesus doesn't call me to my to do list, he calls me to love like he loves.

After celebrating Mass. I took time for my favorite Latte on the way to my appointment and enjoyed smiling at all the people wafting into our small town for the Holidays. I was fully present for my meeting. I met my preschooler early for lunch and brought him home to rest away his cold. I'm leaving in a few minutes to pick up my other children. And, you know what? The books sort is one small pile away from being done! The kitchen is spotless! Two loads of laundry are on their way to being finished. And, I do not feel overwhelmed by what is left to do. I'm just enjoying the process of straightening out my home (not just a house, my Home) so that we can share it with someone we haven't seen in years and so she may experience a little piece of our family. Not the harried, chaotic worst version of our family. But, the creative, prayerful, bibliophile side of all of us. The cleaning will be done before she arrives tonight. But, more importantly my children will know they are loved. I will remember to breathe in Christ and breathe him out as well. I will remember this week is about gratitude and we are about to enter the dear time of year we call Advent.

I will be still. I will not be afraid. And, I will allow the miracles that accompany obedience to God unfold around my family.

Dinner is served

This picture is for my sister. You really need to come and visit. ;)

Dinner is served

This picture is for my sister. You really need to come and visit. ;)

Small Successes

1. We have not grabbed take-out for dinner for 5 nights in a row.

And this is what is in the oven right now

2. I finally downloaded  Small Steps for Catholic Moms by Elizabeth Foss and Danielle Bean to my Kindle. Can't. Put. It. Down. Soon, I'll go back and do them day by day. I promise.

3. Stayed firm and consistent, but still pleasant, during homework time this afternoon.

4. I am allowing myself time to really discern a decision. Sometimes I am known to rush on big issues. Not this time. It is difficult for me to sit in a place of indecision, but I am starting to see the grace that can be found in this particular place.

5. I did not take a nap today. This is big news lately. I lowered the dose (with doctor's permission!) of a medication I'm on and I actually felt awake today. And I've been up since 5am!

What are your Small Successes? Come share them at Faith and Family Live!

A grateful heart-almost wordless Wednesday

Sometimes I need to close my mouth and count my blessings.
Here are mine for today:


:

A place to pray

A borrowed Camera and a sweet scene captured

A moment to myself while...

Dad showed everyone his awesome find at the Thrift Store today. :)

A grateful heart

A grateful heart

Advent Conversations

There is a great conversation going on over at Kind Conversations. Come join us!
Advent at Kind Conversations

In which I (temporarily) turn into a technical nerd

So, you know I like to write. And I love to read thoughtful blogs. And encyclopedias. And Catholic information. Ok, I like to read. What you may not know, is that once upon a time I really adored computers. Back in the dark ages (over a DECADE ago) I had a job where people actually came to me as someone who "probably knew how to do whatever on the computer". In fact, I met my husband on the internet and all my friends were, like, "Ohmygosh you can actually send emails outside our office?!?".

Anyway. Something happened after I became a mom. My brain got mushy. I became easily frustrated with the computer. My husband threw me a curve ball and bought a Mac shortly after the birth of our first child. And, I pretty much threw up my hands at trying to "keep up".

I only *just* got a smart phone. Before that I used a prepaid. And, to be honest, I still forget to charge and/or turn on my cell phone about 50% of the time.

Yes, I email. And I have facebook. Just last week I actually joined twitter again after a gigantic failure at understanding it the first time (why? why did I need Twitter AND Facebook?). I didn't understand that facebook was super useful for keeping in touch with my IRL friends scattered throughout the world (You've caught on that I'm a military wife, right?) and that Twitter is really useful for tracking information and networking with people with similar interests. I don't need to worry about privacy settings on twitter. I don't consider it a very private place. Neither is facebook, so we are finding out, but that is another story for a more hip and technical blogger.

This is a very long introduction to two very cool tools I've just uncovered on the web. Now, you probably already knew about these. But, as far as I've been able to keep up, no one has told me about them yet. And, just in case you are as technically unsavvy as me these day,s I thought you might like to hear about them!

The first is called feedly. The first time I read the name my mind immediately jumped to Seymour and the giant carnivorous plant. I realized quickly that it wasn't a bad metaphor for how insatiable my hunger for reading good blogs can be. Still, I don't think the site developers had that in mind. Here is a picture of my main Diget Feedly Page

Christ the King Sunday

Warning: some of inner geekness may shine through this post.

My first year back in public school (after 5 years of being homeschooled) was Seventh grade. Seriously, I can't think of a more difficult time for anyone in school than "middle school" or what we called "junior high". Imagine what it must have been like for someone as "other" as me--a Christian Scientist who had never been to the doctor and a "Homeschooler" (a word most people hadn't heard of yet in the 1980's). Actually, don't imagine it. The memory is unpleasant.

I will tell you, however, there was one part about seventh grade that has forever made my temporary return to traditional schooling worth it. Mrs. Schroeder. Ellie Schroeder was the gifted and talented teacher for English, Reading and History. I had her for three periods in a row and oh how I loved those classes. We read Shakespeare. We wrote daily responses to quotes such as "I think therefore I am" on the board. We learned History alongside the literature of the period and through first hand sources. We had not a single textbook in her classes. What on earth could my parents have been so worried about? School, it would seem, was my own personal slice of heaven.

*study of middle ages up through renaissance
* Earning Royalty status
* Demedicci family
* Rome, Italy
*Renaissance feast

Wordless Wednesday

We love our Veteran. Especially his moves on the dance floor.

Blessed Chiara Luce Badano

**Update: Apparently both of my links are no longer working! I'm still looking for new ones...but, in the mean time this has some good info about Blessed Chiara here.

And also here.

Ever since reading about her, I can't get her out of my mind. Maybe it is because I've known young people face battles like this and with grace like this. Or maybe, I'm meant to know her for some reason. I certainly feel like hers is a friendship I'd like to cultivate. There isn't much I can say because her life really speaks for itself. She calls us to so much humility and obedience and love. I know I have so much to learn from her. Read her story (click her picture for one site and the link for another). I think you will be blessed, too.

WYD 2011 Madrid - Official Site - Beatified at 19 Years Old:

Talking Story in The Big Bold Blogosphere

Long before I started writing this blog I've been reading other people's blogs. Truly, some blogs have deepened my faith, lifted me from the depths of depression and despair, inspired me to change the way I think and even kicked my tush to confession and back to the heart of my faith--the Holy Mass. In the spirit of full disclosure, I first met my husband on the internet (before you all probably even knew it existed!) I guess I just want to say that just because someone is on the internet it doesn't scare me away from wanting to really get to know them.

I'm the sort of person who's skin crawls at the thought of prolonged superficiality. I like to sit and talk and listen and ask and strive to understand. I find people's stories fascinating. I always want to know more about the person with whom I'm interacting and I've been told (accused?) that I have a gift for getting people to open up to me. I don't set out for it to happen. But, I do love it when someone shares their story with me.

In Hawaii, I've learned, this kind of discourse is called "talking story". I love that. It goes so much deeper than plain old "talking". I mean, I can "talk" to the bagger at the grocery store by saying "Thanks" and "Have a good day". Talking is good. But, talking story is so much more. It is in this kind of sharing that we connect on the soul level--where we begin to let someone see who we really are.

As a (reluctant-at-times) military wife, I often find myself in the position of having to build new friendships. And this takes time. And energy. And trial and error. For, our stories rarely come spilling out in our first encounters with someone (though I've been known to try to fit my whole story in by rarely taking a breath and talking faster than the majority of people can listen!) Usually, we learn bits and pieces about new people with old stories being fleshed out more and more each time we meet. Sometimes we find people we really "get" and they get us and this is truly a gift. But, it is all too rare, in my opinion. Sometimes I find myself trying to pretzel myself into someone I am not just for the brief illusion that I've found such a friendship.

I am not suggesting that "kindred spirits" are the only friendships we should form. But, I'm starting to understand that friendships which require me to strip away core qualities in myself are not worth the shallow return they ultimately give. A true friendship allows me to be who I am with dignity and allows me to respect the differences in others even if I respectfully disagree with some of my friend's beliefs or values. If someone respectfully disagrees with me then they can love me even in the places that I am polar opposite to them and vice versa.

Reading the blogs of others, which are sometimes poignant slices of the writer's lives, has allowed me space to contemplate ideas without having to immediately respond. It has given me context into differing beliefs and values. It has also helped me better define what I believe and who I am working to become.

As I venture out into my "public debut" (just had a vision of a sparkly debutante ball) in this bloggy-world I'm realizing that a big reason I am doing this is I want to connect. It is true that online friends are not the same as IRL friends (and if you have to go look that up I feel soooo much better because it wasn't too long ago that I did too!). Still, the blogosphere allows us a very unique opportunity to connect with like-minded people, opposing-minded people, and people trying to figure out just where they stand--all in the space of a few clicks and shares. If we are willing, we have opportunities to engage in conversations that seek to find and share truth. If we are brave, we may even take the step to email someone personally and try to dig deeper on a particular idea or issue. In some cases, we may even be surprised to find a true and lasting friendship.

So, I'm Here. And I think I'll stay a while.  I mean it when I say, I hope that you'll come by often and talk story with me. It would be my absolute delight to meet you. Who knows, I may actually come to know you. And you me.

Saturday Evening Blog Post

Follow the link below to read "the best" blogs--chosen by the writers themselves--of October 2010. Happy Reading!

Day to Day Miracle: Rosary Meditations: Friday's Sorrowful Mystery- Th...

Day to Day Miracle: Rosary Meditations: Friday's Sorrowful Mystery- Th...: "From Luke Chapter 22 When he arrived at the place he said to them, 'Pray that you may not undergo the test.' After withdrawing about a s..."

Day to Day Miracle: Rosary Meditations: Friday's Sorrowful Mystery- Th...

Day to Day Miracle: Rosary Meditations: Friday's Sorrowful Mystery- Th...: "From Luke Chapter 22 When he arrived at the place he said to them, 'Pray that you may not undergo the test.' After withdrawing about a s..."

And here she is...

A friend of mine read my post and had a picture of my sweet girl. Thought you might like to see it!

The same friend knitted that beautiful blanket and hat! :D

Why I am (now) Pro-Life -- Part 3

You may also want to read Why I am (now) Pro-Life--Part 1 and Part 2

Finally. This post has been coming to me in pieces. Fragments of feelings. Ideas. Theology. Washing dishes, folding clothes, driving kids to and fro. The end of the story, in terms of "facts" is simple to tell. The feelings and growth and miracles are harder for me to put into words.

I want to share with you that the full impact of the miracle of my daughter's birth did not really happen all at once. In fact, the most profound changes in my heart didn't occur until Super Bowl Sunday--this year. I was vaguely aware of controversy leading up to the game. I knew this "super pro-life ad" was going to be on. My old self, raised by passionate liberals who give their whole hearts to those in need but have always raised me to see morals and government as separate issues, felt a pinch of irritation. You see, even with all I'd been through with my daughter, the farthest I had come in my acceptance of the teaching's of the Catholic Church on abortion was -- "Of course I would never be able to go through with one. I will always provide my friends with love and support and never promote abortion. But, I can't really let my feelings on this topic impact how I vote. It just isn't my business to push my morals onto other people". This January, I woke up the morning of the Super Bowl and I was flooded with memories.

The fever comes. A friend calls a Deacon and he prays over me in my hospital bed. He tells me he knows that my baby and I will be just fine. He is sure of it. The fever breaks, just moments after this prayer in the hospital. I am never again asked to face the choice to terminate my daughter's life to save my own. Three months later, I am in labor. The nurses scurry. But, there is tension in the air. At first I fear there is something wrong, with me or my baby. But it isn't about us. They are all unhappy with my doctor. He is on his way. A nurse asks me if I know he is leaving his practice. I say, I do. She asks, "Do you know where he is going" and I indicate I do not. "He and his partner are opening an Abortion clinic in Nevada". Her words stab into me like daggers. I am filled with rage. I push this baby out faster than any other because I am having trouble looking my doctor in the face. I want him far away. I want his hands off my baby. I want answers to troubling questions. 

As these memories crowd my brain, I find myself asking difficult questions. For the first time, I can hear my own thoughts without them being crowded out by my well-meaning parents and lifelong friends.
Why was it ok for this doctor to recommend I terminate my pregnancy? What gives him this authority?
My heart answered, the law of the land.
Why do we have a law that allows this?
Because we support the individuals right to make moral choices for themselves.
Isn't the baby an individual?
Yes, but...
But what? The baby's rights aren't as important as the mother's convenience? Her health? Her fears? What if we weren't talking about a baby here. What if, let's say, you lived in a country where your husband could legally kill you because you behaved disrespectfully? Are your rights truly less important because the law of that country says so? What if you were Jewish and lived in the time of Hitler? What if you were black in the time of slavery? Would you want others to sit back and say it wasn't theirs to judge?

At the end of this debate going on inside of myself, I realized new conclusions. Not only did I wake to a new reality where I no longer could support a candidate who votes for Pro-Choice issues I realized that this was the single most important issue I am faced with as an American Voter right now.  If it were legal for husbands to kill their wives, or to keep certain people as slaves, or for parents to kill their children when they felt unable to continue caring for them, I would not weigh the economy on the same level as their lives. I would not debate health care or social security or the deficit until I was assured the very lives of all people were protected under the law. 

At this moment, we are not protecting the lives of innocent children. It is hard for me to think of much else...


The Catholic Church teaches "Human life must be respected and protected absolutely from the moment of conception. From the first moment of his existence, a human being must be recognized as having the rights of a person--among which is the inviolable right of every innocent being to life." She goes on to say, "The inalienable right to life of every innocent human individual is a constitutive element of a civil society and its legislation..." (CCC 2270 and 2273)

For the first time in my life, I recognized that the society I live in is not truly civilized as long as we encourage abortion or turn a blind eye to its legal existence.

I do not share my heart here to judge anyone and the choices they have made. My heart aches for anyone who has faced the choice between life and abortion.  I have come to believe, that the very fact that we view whether or not to end a baby's life as a choice is the problem. Had I not had a doctor, who clearly had no qualms with taking the lives of babies, pose the choice to terminate I would never had been put in the position to make a choice. He gave me a choice, because right now, the law recognizes it as a choice. It is the same as if the law read "A husband has the right to choose to continue his wife's life based on his own judgment" and at every divorce hearing a judge quipped "Most men in your situation would say off with her head, what would you like to do?". I'm not sure there is a soon-to-be-ex-husband (or wife, for that matter) out there who wouldn't at least consider it for a brief moment. I mean, it would be their choice, right? Imagine all the alimony money to be saved! The exhaustion over custody battles to be averted! The chance to bury all those bad feelings and begin again with a clean slate!



The truth is, our 21st century American husbands wouldn't really consider this because they have never been taught this is a legal choice to consider. Of course it would be easier to live our lives without certain people. It could be far more convenient, less stressful, more success-oriented, less embarrassing, and perhaps even physically healthier to completely cut out certain people right out of the picture. But, other than in fits of desperate fantasy, we don't actually ever consider this as a choice.

"Scripture specifies the prohibition contained in the fifth commandment: 'Do not slay the innocent and the righteous.' The deliberate murder of an innocent person is gravely contrary to the dignity of the human being, to the golden rule, and to the holiness of the Creator. The law forbidding it is universally valid: it obliges each and everyone, always and everywhere." (CCC 2261)

My daughter's life here on earth is a miracle. She is a constant reminder to me that I do not have to believe what the world tells me. There is no illness, no desperate situation, no financial crisis that changes the law of God. She reminds me that prayer is so powerful and that Love expressed in charity is the necessary action of the body of Christ. She calls me to reach out, give more and speak louder when it comes to matters of life.

I had no way of knowing how much I would be changed by this experience. I have no doubt that the prayers of others supported me through the years it took to connect all the dots to the lessons revealed during that pregnancy. God is patient and merciful. So are my friends who have gently guided my heart along the way. God grant us all mercy and patience as we seek to be the working hands of the body of Christ for all innocent human beings, everywhere.

8 days after daughter's 1st birthday, our oldest son was diagnosed with Leukemia. Were it not for the gentle preparations of my heart through this experience, it is difficult to know how I would have faced that next challenge. But, there is a blog post or two in that one. I will save it in my heart until sometime soon.

P.S. This would be a perfect place to post a picture of my daughter as a baby. Realizing pictures aren't on this computer. I know where some are I can scan and will try to asap!

All Hallow's Eve

All Hallow's Eve

Can Outsiders Be Insiders?

Can Outsiders Be Insiders?

I knew it would happen

Here is one I left out yesterday!!!

The Hungry Housewives...an inspiring group of cooking/saving/entertaining Mamas. Definitely One Lovely Blog! :)

My first blog award!

:) Actually, I think this is such a fabulous way to get to share new (to us) and interesting blogs with each other.

Kathy Vestermark over at Faith on the High Wire nominated me. I found Kathy's blog through a comment on another blog. The cool thing is, we actually have met IRL (in real life) once upon a time at my husband's medical school. Her blog is truly worthy of the award and I hope you'll go check it out.

The rules for passing it on are simple:

1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 15 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they've been chosen.

Here are the bloggers I would like to bestow with the Lovely Blog Award: (Remember, these are all blogs that are new or new to me!)

Roxanne at Peace Garden Mama

Kaleolani at The Kitchen Witch -- there is a story behind that title. Go read about it!

Robina at Motherly Loving

Emily at Emily in the Philippines -- this is my little sister's new blog as she embarks on a two year journey in the Peace Corps. She is a journalist and a beautiful writer. And, no, I am not biased!

Jessica at Shower of Roses

*** Ok, that is all I can come up with for NEW to me...at least right now. I think I'll bend the rules to include a couple of blogs might very well be new to you!

Sarah at Amongst Lovely Things

Keri at Creating my own little Nirvana -- be sure to read this one

Joni at A Sticky Situation -- Joni is an amazing Mama and a card-maker extraordinaire!

I may have to come back and add others as they wake me up in the middle of the night with "How on earth did I forget to list THAT ONE!"

Thank you for the award, Kathy. And happy blogging and following to all of you!

To all aspiring writers

Do you know about the going-ons in the month of November? The kids and I (registered as home-educators--even though we are only so in heart at this point) will be very busy writing over the next month. Leave a comment and let us know if you'll be joining us! Visit the links below to find out more. And if need to remind yourself that yes, you can write, don't forget to re-read Just Write It and also visit the book Turn Not Pale Beloved Snail

 

If you decide to participate you can be my writing buddy. You'll find me at www.nanowrimo.org My user name is wholeheartedcatholic.

 See you there!

Big Problems

My mom's new husband and I are going to have some big problems. Huge, I'm telling you. The only way for this relationship to be repaired is for him to cease and desist walking off with my copy of The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Society. I mean, this is completely unacceptable. I need to find out what Juliet says to Sidney next...and learn much, much more about the German occupation of Guernsey. Does he not realize a girl cannot just put such a good book DOWN at will?! Since he is apparently growing quite attached to the story as well, I will have to respectably request that he go to the store and get his own copy.

Or...maybe I'll just download it to my Kindle. Of course I can't dog-ear that in quite the same way. And my scribbles in the margins will be reduced to typed "notes". No. I need to find where he's hiding that book. Post haste.

One Lovely Blog Award

Kathy Vestermark, over at Faith On The High Wire just nominated me for this award.Thank you so much! I posted the award on my blog in the side bar and now I am passing it on to 15 other blogs. The rules for passing it on are simple:

1. Accept the award. Post it on your blog with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.
2. Pay it forward to 15 other bloggers that you have newly discovered.
3. Contact those blog owners and let them know they've been chosen.

The fun part about this is that I get to explore Catholic blogs and tag 15 of those that interest me. I will email those blogs that I wish to tag with the award.

If I've tagged you, I hope you'll do the same and visit Catholic blogs to let them know they motivated you in some way by sending them the award. This should be fun and not a burden so, don't stress. If you only pass it on to a couple of blogs, that's fine, too. If you want to wait and not do this right now -- NO STRESS -- take your time and make enjoy the process! And, if you can't do it at all, no problem. Just ignore the invitation to participate and God bless you!

1. Sarah at Amongst Lovely Things
 Even though we are no longer homeschooling at this time, Sarah continues to inspire me with her love of learning, faith and her children.


2. Keri at Creating my own little nirvana
Keri and I have been friends for many years. Be sure to read about her Catholic reversion and be inspired by all she is doing to reunite her adopted daughters.

3.

Hounds

Perhaps God made hounds to teach us about the persistence of his love.

Litany of the Saints

Together again

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A Happy Working Song

My mom and her husband arrive this evening. I wish you could feel the energy of excitement in our house before a visit from GRANDMA. It is joyfully-electric. At least for all those too young to clean toilets, that is.

I'm about a day behind where I wanted to be in the cleaning department. So, I'm buzzing around, in my grand ballroom gown, of course, singing a Happy Working Song grumbling to myself about how neat and organized we are as a family where I've gone wrong in the organization department. I also still need to pick up the Leis (it is my mom's very first trip to Hawaii) and run a document over to the Quarantine office so my puppy dog can be released at the airport. We have been separated from her since May and we are all goose-bumpy with anticipation for those sweet cuddles and kisses. She is truly one of the sweetest creatures I've been blessed to meet.

Not to worry, part 3 of Why I am (Now) Pro-Life is mostly written in my head. I'm hoping with grandma here I may have a few moments to jot it all down.

It has been such a blessing to converse with some of you via email. Thanks for taking the time to introduce yourself!

Off to work! to have a cup of coffee and stare (bewilderedly) at my to do list. :)

A Dear friend in Russia

Keri and I have been friends since I was 15 years old. She was in The Crucible with me and later directed me in the role of Juliet (and boy oh boy was that Romeo cute!). As long as I have known Keri she has been the sort of person who lives with her heart on her sleeve and her life right in step with her heart. She is in Russia right now, still trying after YEARS to reunite her adopted daughter with a sister who has now "aged out" of the Russian system. Honestly, I wouldn't even begin to know how to share all the ups and downs, miracles and disappointments of Keri's Journey. But, I will link you to her blog. And, I'll beg to you pray for her, Nastia, Anya and her soon to be son, Daniel. Keri and I have been known to set dates/times to pray the rosary at the same time. Maybe if some of us could commit to offering even a short prayer at 10pm Eastern time for the next week, we could help her move the mountains necessary to finally bring Anya home. Where I am certain she has always belonged. And consider leaving a comment to let Keri know you are praying for her family.

Creating My Own Little Nirvana: God Speaking, and the Flower Lady of Sovietskaya S...: "God speaks to me in close, conversational tones here. He is not silent. Want to get to know God? Leave all the comforts of home behind, leav..."

Linscott Charter School | Will You, Won't You Join the Dance?

Linscott Charter School | Will You, Won't You Join the Dance?

Praying the Rosary

I'd like to share the CD my family has come to love. It has taught my children and I the rosary as we pray along. I like that it has short descriptions of each mystery, but is generally very straightforward. We usually listen through our Napster subscription or on the MP3 player in the car. My kid especially love falling asleep to this CD.

The Everyday Rosary

St. Gianna Beretta Molla

This morning while dropping my youngest off at Preschool I saw someone I recognized from Church. I'm so glad I decided to say hello (even though I'm wearing a Halloween shirt that says "Witchy" and haven't showered yet :s)

The reason I recognized her is that she is the face of Respect Life at our parish. How timely! I've actually been finding myself full of questions as I write my daughter's story. I've been surprised at how much I don't know about the Church's teachings regarding abortion and how I wanted to understand it better so I may articulate it better. We only spoke for a few minutes, but she introduced me to a new saint.

St. Gianna was canonized just two months after the birth of my daughter. I'm so thrilled to have been introduced to this new friend in Heaven. I'm looking forward to getting to know this new friend in our parish, too!

Why I am (Now) Pro-Life --Part 2

Go here to read: Why I am (now) Pro-Life-Part 1

Love lived by others. This sentence keeps presenting itself to me as the reason my daughter was given the chance to live.

We had a lot of practical reasons to listen to our Doctor.

1. Who else would we listen to?

2. We had no family living near us to offer comfort and practical support during what was looking to be a very difficult pregnancy.

3. The world we lived in practically screamed that the mother's life was far more valuable than a yet-to-be viable "fetus".

Something in me, surely the Holy Spirit, was nudging me to look beyond the practical. My heart deeply desired to do what was right. It also desired to live. And, it also desired that my baby live too.

When we got home I closed myself in my bedroom. I remember laying flat on the bed. I reached for the phone, dialed information and called the Catholic Church we had been attending for the past 2 years. I was not sure who I could talk to so when the secretary answer the phone I asked for Wendy. She was the head of our Helping Hands ministry. She became a dear friend, but at the time she was little more than an acquaintance.

I heard her voice on the other line and a torrent of tears and explanation poured out of me. The underlying question I wanted answered was "What on earth I am I supposed to do?" Wendy went right to work. She said, "Do nothing until I call you back. I WILL call you back. I'm going to call my prayer warrior team and get as many people praying as soon as possible. Then I have a couple of other calls to make. You are not alone." And she meant it.

The phone rang and the voice on the other end was a man. "Leslie?", the man said. "This is Deacon Dick". Deacon Dick prayed with me on the phone. He explained he was a retired doctor. He asked my permission to set up an appointment with a Catholic doctor in downtown Phoenix--the Church was offering to pick up the expenses of this visit. The iciness that I didn't realize until then was coursing through my veins started to thaw. Wendy and Deacon Dick had managed to offer me the one thing I was really searching for: Hope.
Let me share something I've come to believe. We have become a society of greeting card platitudes. We've all read enough magazine articles to know that it is appropriate to say "I'm so sorry" when someone is experiencing grief. We know the face of empathy. but, it seems a rare gift to take that empathy and LIVE it. I include myself here. It is a constant challenge to remind myself that being Christ to the world starts with a compassionate ear. But, it continues with heartfelt action.

When I called Wendy, she didn't just offer to pray for me. She went to work. She made phone calls. She halted her agenda for that day and put my baby's life at the top her list. And she didn't stop there.

My husband was in the middle of tests at school as well as National Guard and ROTC commitments. Wendy came and picked me up so I would not be driving and so I wouldn't be at this important appointment alone. The doctor offered hope. He couldn't confirm the diagnosis, but he said that it could just mean I had a slow leak. He gave me the encouragement that he felt it was safe to continue with the pregnancy for now. He said if I developed a fever, it was very serious. He reaffirmed the risk to my life the first doctor gave. This doctor compassionately offered me some time to face that reality, though. Oh, and he told me the safest thing for me and baby was complete bed rest. Bear in mind, I was only half-way through a pregnancy and had a 2 year old at home!

My friends, I may have been on the road to coming into the fullness of Christianity, but the love of others carried me more than half the way. My family was showered (practically DROWNING) in the outpouring of practical support we had from the Catholic Community we had hardly come to realize was really ours. Meals came. Almost every night. For 4 months. Four MONTHS! Strangers and friends dropped off casseroles and salads, soups and breads, and desserts. Some stayed to offer encouragement. Others came in went in the space of a moment. My Ministry of Moms Sharing group--already a group of beginning friendships--made sure someone was checking in with me daily. Some babysat, Melissa cleaned my house (I mean, after we argued for hours and I practically died of embarrassment), Jen sat and shared with me her difficult pregnancy and tragic loss, Sylvia introduced me to St. Gerard. Real women, with many children, and very busy lives lived out their call as parts of the body of Christ. They ministered to me. They lived love in a very tangible way every day for me. For a few weeks I lived in a bubble of peace and comfort.

Then, the fever came.

(Part three is coming soon!)

Just write it

I am absolutely beside myself to have found one of my favorite (now out of print books) being hosted online. I checked, it is with the Author's blessing! It is one of those life-changing books for me as a child/teen (right up there with everything by Madeleine L'Engle and Anne Morrow Lindbergh). The name of the book is Turn Not Pale Beloved Snail. The Author is Jacqueline Jackson. The books is written for young people (in age and at heart) about writing!

Without re-reading the whole book right now and reporting back with a full review, I can tell you what this book did for me. It taught me that writing wasn't anything to be afraid of. See? You can end with a preposition and the whole internet didn't implode! You can even (gasp, cough, and gasp again) misspell. You can call a collection of words a poem and it is because you say it is. Even. If. It. Doesn't. Have. A. Single. Rhyme. This book taught me to just put it down. Put it all down on the page. It will be beautiful. Not because it follows all the rules. It will be just perfect because it is written. By you.

Beyond the truth that God loves them, beyond the gift of the Sacraments, beyond learning to live a holy life there isn't much I see as fundamentally important for me to pass along to my children. Except this: write it down. Write fearlessly, recklessly, and from you heart. Write it like you would say it. Write it like you would never say it. Just write it. When you write your thoughts have a funny way of sorting themselves out. When you write, your words have a way of ultimately being understood. When you write, the you-that-is-you starts to take shape in stories, thoughts, prayers and observations that give others a priceless window into your heart.

I want my children to love God with their whole heart. I want them to live with their whole heart. And, I hope that they will always write with their whole heart too. Now, because Ms. Jackson took the time to write part of her heart, I can convey a piece of mine to my kids. Who knows what reading this book may do for you and your kids. Read it. Then write it all. With your whole heart.

You can read Turn Not Pale Beloved Snail here: 

October Daybook

Outside my screen door

The sun is rising, the air is still cool and I can hear the faint whispers of the ocean crashing.

I am listening to

The birds awakening. The dogs toenails clicking across the tile floors.


I am wearing

Red shorts and a college t-shirt I "borrowed" from my younger sister when I visited home...a long time ago. It turns out, it wasn't even hers. I am apparently advertising the college of an ex-boyfriend?

I am grateful

For the encouragement I needed to write. Well, I write every day. I'm grateful kind friends and near-strangers let me know it might just be worth sharing.

I am praying

For my kids. Everyone is either getting or getting over an uncomfortable tummy, head, throat bug.

I am reading
Too much at one time, as always. I'm going back to Scott Hahn's A Father's Promises. I find myself really longing to delve into the Bible right now.

On my Sansa Fuze
Last week I downloaded and started listening to http://www.thewordofpromise.com/ Bible. I used my Audible account credit. I am loving it. I've read a few debates on the fact it isn't a Catholic Bible. I think I can supplement those parts on my own. As a drama geek and bible lover I am really appreciating this format to absorb the Bible in a new way.

I am creating

A new blog. Fun. And a little scary.

And now the children are awake and I will leave my daybook here. It was a wonderful first start and I'm so excited to be here.

Why I am (now) Pro-Life -Part I

My daughter wants me to braid her hair. "Lots of tiny ones, Mommy" she instructs me. "I want my hair to be really curly in the morning." She is six. She is a sweet, sensitive, and stubborn middle child. And, she was almost never born.

When I found out I was pregnant with my daughter it was less than a year into my discovery of the Catholic Church. I did not consider myself particularly pro-life (though I figured I could never go through with an abortion myself). But, nothing prepared me for the stone cold face of my Obstetrician when he said at my 18 week appointment “You are leaking amniotic fluid. Your baby only has a 5% chance of making it until term. Most women in your situation would choose to terminate the pregnancy. What do you want to do?” He didn’t pause between sentences or apologize, but he did glance down at his watch. It was clear that this was nearly routine for him and he either didn’t recognize, or had no patience for the fact, that it was anything but routine for me.

My two year old son bounced around the room as my husband tried to herd him into a corner. I looked to him for guidance. At the time he was finishing up an undergraduate degree in Biology. Maybe this made more sense to him? He shrugged. Helplessly and the doctor stepped outside to give us "a moment to decide".

A moment. A decision. A choice. Only, it felt nothing at all like a choice to me. It felt like sand sticking in my throat. It felt like the world off it's axis. It felt impossible. Somehow I choked out the words, through disbelief and tears, that I wanted an ultrasound before deciding anything.

We walked across the street to the hospital. I pictured my baby inside of me, suffering. But, the ultrasound showed a very different picture. The ultrasound revealed a baby girl. Moving. Sucking her thumb. And it revealed lots of fluid. The doctor told me the test was correct. I must have a slow leak. But, he explained, the amniotic sack was comprimised. I was at high risk for infection, he said. If I continued the pregnancy and contracted an infection, both the baby and I could die.

We drove him, still buying as much time as we could. We were both scared. I didn't want to talk to my parents. I knew their first instinct would be to protect me. What was surprising the heck out of me was that my first instinct was not to protect myself. I was deeply in love with my unborn baby girl. I was also deeply in love with my two year old son. But, it just couldn't be that I was supposed to make a choice like this. This sort of choice couldn't possibly be up to me.

Read Why I am (Now) Pro-Life--Part 2  <--- here

Come

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Almost as soon as I converted to Catholicism, Satan went to work to keep me away from the Eucharist. I wasn’t really tempted to break any commandment, except for the first one. For the first year I was officially Catholic, I was literally paralyzed with fear to go to Mass.

It started with becoming conscious of the older woman sitting behind me sighing loudly because my baby’s happy noises were disturbing her. Then, there was the time a couple shook their heads and literally rolled their eyes because on my way back from receiving the Eucharist I missed our pew and had to back-track. Again, loud sighs. I started to worry about everything from my worthiness to ever receive the Eucharist to what to wear on Sunday morning. As a mother of two young children at the time (and one more on the way) I often found myself in tears when I realized we didn’t have “church shoes” that fit or that my only dress that fit over my newly showing pregnant body was rather wrinkled and we needed to leave for mass 5 minutes ago.

The devil used my weaknesses. He knew that I was self-conscious about my disorganization and ADHD. He knew I wanted desperately to “fit in” and made sure I was acutely aware of every way that I didn’t. And, I was practically holding the door wide open for him.

I remember trying to express my fears and frustrations to a devoutly Catholic friend. She was concerned. How could I let anything keep me away from Jesus? “Just come to Mass!” she insisted. She was compassionate, but she couldn’t understand my anxiety. We were speaking in two different languages—I wanted her to tell me how to be the sort of person who had our “Sunday best” laying out the night before and she kept answering with “The Eucharist”. Sure, yes, “I know” I would say. But, I didn’t know how much I was misunderstanding. Not just her, but everything.

***

“You have forgotten” the visiting priest said to me during my first teary confession—a full year since coming into the church. “You have forgotten that He loves you. God loves you. Very much”. His Kenyan accent and warmth washed over me like warm honey and the first cracks of light started to break into my confused and frightened heart. I don’t remember everything the priest said in that confessional, but I know I walked out knowing I had been missing so much. I had been missing the heart of my new found faith. And now that I was beginning to feel it again, I wasn’t going to let anything get in the way. Adoration was going on in the chapel next door. Up until that evening, I had never really understood this devotion—yes, I knew that was Jesus, but it still seemed “odd” for a bunch of people to be kneeling down in front of a circle of “bread”. That night was different. I was a changed person coming out of that confessional and when I walked into the chapel I felt filled with light. I felt literally knocked to my knees by the love filling the room and I knelt down, my whole body and heart, to adore the source of such powerful love.

Over the next few months I came to understand a little more just how much God desires my family to share in the Lamb’s Supper each week. He bids us, begs us, "Come to me, all you who labor and are burdened^, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart; and you will find rest for your selves. For my yoke is easy, and my burden light."

I was comforted by our Lord’s encouragement to “take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.”

When the temptation presents itself to put off participating in the Mass until I do the laundry or go shopping (and have rested and cooperative children) I am blessed with the vision of Jesus teaching on a hilltop—Men, women and children coming and going at different times. I see wealthy people and peasants, those dressed in gold and those wearing little more than a potato sack. Jesus just continues to teach. He doesn’t notice what people are wearing or who arrives late or comes early—though I am sure he knows and he knows all the reasons they do these things as well. He just continues to teach and offer himself to everyone who has answered his call to come and listen. For some, answering that call includes long journeys (both literal and figurative). For others it is as natural as waking up each morning. He calls us all. Right where we are. And he loves us.

I am still a work in progress and I pray many times a day to be more organized and productive—to fulfill my vocation as wife and mother in the way in which He desires. I still desire to have reverently clothed children sitting quietly in their pews on Sunday morning, though I feel eons away from that reality. I know I am on a long journey towards perfection and I now understand more fully that I am never meant to make that journey alone. God gave us his Son. He gives Him to us at each Mass in the Eucharist. He gives us His Church. He gives us one another to love and encourage each other along our individual paths toward Heaven. He does not want us to be afraid. Nor does he want us to make others fear they are not good enough to come to him. He calls us all.

When I hear a mother fretting over bringing her young child to Mass, or having the right clothes to wear or knowing the right times to kneel and stand I feel so much love and compassion for her. Still, the best encouragement I received is the only encouragement I know to give. “Just come”, I say to her. We are all coming together to adore and receive Love itself. God’s light is too blinding to even notice our neighbor’s noise and clothes. We are all so blessed they closed their hearts to the evil-one’s temptation to stay away, and instead answered our Lord’s call to come.

"Do you realize that Jesus is there in the tabernacle expressly for you - for you alone? He burns with the desire to come into your heart...don't listen to the demon, laugh at him, and go without fear to receive the Jesus of peace and love..." - St. Therese the Little Flower