Monday Musings in My Muddled Mind

Or what should have been titled--"Very, very late Friday Quick Takes"

1. I wrote here about how I pray the Rosary--sometimes only to keep my mind off of ruminating over (much) less beautiful (and helpful) thoughts. When I'm feeling especially anxious (and, although that story had a happy ending, we have not been without new dramas to juggle) I play the Rosary on my ipod--hooked up to the BIG living room speakers--and have it as the background rhythm to my life. When my mind wanders, it lands right in the middle of another beautiful mystery regarding the life of our Savior. This is also the CD my children love to listen to as they fall asleep. They love the thought that their guardian angels finish the prayers if they happen to fall asleep before finishing. So do I. I also count on my guardian angel to continue praying if I am praying along with the CD while I'm also doing dishes, folding laundry and walking the dogs.

2. Will I ever stop calling them CD's? I haven't bought a new CD in a very, very long time. But, MP3 just feels...cold?

3. At least I've stopped calling them "tapes."

4. I'm thinking so much about forgiveness. I'm working through forgiveness in a situation where I was very wronged by someone. A confidence betrayed. Really devastating actions taken that do not make sense to me and have had a direct impact on my life. And my family's life. Right now the best I've come up with is handing it to God. And avoiding the person. Completely. I really have nothing to say to them. But, is that because my heart is cold? Or wise? Will you please share your stories of forgiveness with me? It would really be helpful for me as I pray to move forward and beyond this hurt.

5. I really like our new parish. It is a military parish. It is funny how what I once thought could never feel like a church home to me (ANY military parish), is now where I feel most comfortable. Interesting.

6. We are homeschooling again--I'm not sure if I told you all that yet or not? So far we've been pretty "structured"/"school at home", mostly for my peace of mind and for record keeping sake. But, my unschooly, eclectic self is feeling a little restless. And my kids are complaining of a bit a boredom. It may be time to inject some Charolotte Mason and a little more strewing (and few less worksheets and online assignments).

7. I need recipes. Lots and lots of recipes. Any ideas on setting up a recipe exchange here? Or do you know of a good one somewhere else. I'm craving Fall foods, but it is still 80 degrees where I live. It will still be 80 degrees at Christmas. I need Fall foods that won't make us TOO full, you know? We don't, sadly, get to hibernate much here.

Well...that was basically Friday Quick Takes, but a few days late. Still, I figure if I keep writing...even the randomness...it will become habit again. And, our conversations can continue dear friends. Thanks for coming by. And I hope you'll respond with suggestions in the comment box. Or email me.

Visit Jen's blog for people who write their Friday Quick Takes on time ;)

Hello old friends

I promised you all the whole story. TWO MONTHS AGO!

I'm so sorry.

We moved. Again. Not far, but still. Moving. Stinks.

The story...well...ahhh! Where to begin. In addition to a very stressful situation getting out of our last rental (don't ask!), my husband found out in early Summer that he had failed a very.important.exam.

This v.i.e. would not be a big deal for someone in a civilian residency. They would just retake it. Until they passed. But, the military has some new guidelines that meant due to the timing, he had exactly one chance to retake it and if he failed it again, he was going to be kicked out of residency. M.D., but no practicing medicine any more. Can you imagine!?!

First, I want to say, my husband is a great doctor (I am NOT biased. Not at all. No seriously. Trust me.). He is the sort of Doctor you wish for. He listens. He is humble. He is thorough. He makes you laugh. He's just one of those doctors people really, really like. And, yes, we are sometimes stopped (at the mall, the zoo, church..wherever...) so someone can tell me how much they love him. And, then, of course, I want to tell them about how he can't even get his dirty socks all      the      way    across   the    room to the hamper...but, no one is ever really that interested in that. You probably aren't either!

So, it was heart-breaking to think that all of the work we both put in to get him here...and it was basically where all our blood, sweat and tears had gone for the bulk of our marriage...was perhaps going to vanish in a poof due to a few v.i. points.

So, Dr. hubby had to take time off to study before a new exam was available to be taken. It practically killed him to be away from work. It was very, very difficult. And then he took the two day long (8 hours one day and about 4 the next) exam. Again. And came home and told me, "There is no way. Absolutely No. Way. I passed this exam. I feel worse than last time". And so began 3 excruciatingly long weeks of waiting. All during which he still could not see patients. And it was very, very difficult.

Meanwhile, I prayed. I mean, the kind of prayer where sometimes all I could muster was "O Lord, please help!" and at other times the Rosary over...and over...if only to just keep my mind focused on anything other than waiting.

And curious things happened...

Some priorities became clearer for me. For my husband. For our family. During that waiting we moved. MUCH closer to work. And into a very active military community.

We drew closer to each other. We leaned on each other. We leaned on God. I became very aquainted with St. Joseph and his power intecessory prayers for us. He was the background on my computer. And, I will never be the same. How could I have waited so long to ask him to pray for my family?

We asked very big questions about what God really wanted for our family. And we learned to live very much in the moment. In each little blessing. For each moment together (which, by the way, was a really great side effect of all this--he was home...A lot more than usual!).

Then one day my husband came home from work and I knew he was compulsively checking his email for test results. I was busy pretending to be unpacking. I mean, really, I'm still pretending. I'm tired. Really, really tired of moving. I don't want to do it any more. And, anyway, he came over to me in the living room and collapsed into our red comfy chair. My favorite chair. And he looked as white as a ghost. He shut his eyes. He didn't speak.

I said, "Are the results in?"

He quietly replied, "Yes."

And, I couldn't really speak. Or move...or pray much beyond "HEEELLLLPPPPP"

I said, very, very quietly, "Did you fail?"

And he took a very, very, long and deep breath and said. "No. I passed".

And I screamed.

Then I tackled him and we both cried. And he dove for the phone and I ran down the street a good friend who embraced me and remembered to praise God... so, I remembered too. And, I thanked St. Joseph for praying for my family. And I thanked all of my friends and family for praying and supporting and staying with us through the whole thing. And it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

"HE PASSED!!!" my facebook status reported.

And we all rejoiced. And it was very, very good. And, just writing this, I am remembering to count that blessing all over again. And remembering that no matter how it was going to turn out, God was with us through every last moment of that harrowing experience. And He is with us now. And always.




Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers. And thank you for all the people who have nudged me back to update this page. I can't promise, but I truly hope not to be away again for so long.

Our prayers have been answered

Our prayers have been answered in a very big way.

I will fill you in on details later. But, this has been one of the most humbling and growing experiences of our marriage. I am so grateful. All glory is to the God that loves us so much, that regardless of the outcome, He was and is taking care of us.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers.

Two helpful thoughts for today:

"I don’t have grace yet for the plane flight to Bolivia because, well, I’m not on the plane yet. I don’t have grace yet for leaving because, well, I haven’t left yet."  

Elizabeth Esther talks here about how God gives us enough grace for today.

And while I was driving today I heard a familiar song and it felt like the Holy Spirit singing right into my heart:


Thank you for the continued prayers!

Begging your prayers

I come here today humbly begging for your prayers.

I keep trying to find the right way to convey the circumstances, while still protecting everyone's privacy. The best I can come up with is very big and important things are threatening very unwelcome changes for my family right now. We are stuck in a wait and see where we may have answers in a couple of weeks, or not for months. It is causing unimaginable stress, sadness and fear--especially for my husband and myself. I have been praying this Novena to St. Joseph for 5 days already:  http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/novena/joseph.htm

And I'm working to memorize this one and tuck it deep in my heart:

Holy St. Joseph, Spouse of Mary, be mindful of me, pray for me, watch over me. Guardian of the paradise of the new Adam, provide for my temporal wants. Faithful guardian of the most precious of all treasures, I beseech thee to bring this matter to a happy end, if it be for the glory of God, and the good of my soul. Amen

In addition to this, we are in the middle of a stressful move. Prayers are welcome for this moves as well, as we try to navigate the logistics of moving against the backdrop of mammoth uncertainty.

In my daily prayers and bible study I am reminded of God's miracles bringing resolution in the most unexpected ways (the parting sea, a coin in a fishes mouth, manna appearing from nowhere). I cannot see the road before us, but I know that if I cling to God, His love is real and His plan is only good. And, I've learned in the past to beg for my heart's desire and I can most definitely TRUST HIM with my real desires. But, I will admit, it has been a moment to moment struggle to "lean not on [my] own understanding".

I am also daily remembering that even as earth-shattering as this potential change may feel to me, it is nothing compared to so much suffering in the world.

I have walked the halls of the pediatric oncology wing weeping prayers for my little boy. This is not cancer. It threatens a way of life, but certainly not anyone's life itself. And this is especially important for me to remember as at this very moment we have friend's clinging to hope and praying for the healing of their little boy. Please lift Ryan up in your prayers, too. He really needs them. And so does his family.

Will you please (please) pray with me? For Ryan? And for my family?

Thank you! From the bottom of my heart...