The Mess Matters

I'm much more comfortable posting pictures like this, than of the legos..and the chewed up paper cup...and the clean laundry pile... You don't mind, right?

I'm here to say that in my life, matters of faith are messy. Oh, I know it is I who brings the mess. Makes a mess. Confuses the heck out of myself and everyone else. But, like my blog byline says, It is a crazy life, but it is OURS.

And somewhere in the past 2 years since I first became a single mom by separation and then through widowhood by suicide I've stopped worrying so much about what it looks like from the outside and I'm just busy grasping at grace--and God knows I need grace right now.

I've looked for grace in all the usual places, in unexpected places, in my church, in other churches. In books and talks and long conversations with friends all over the world. I've asked deep questions (really, really deep questions) and searched for answers that *feel* right.

I'm here to tell you nothing *feels* right.

"Ye shall seek the Truth and the Truth shall make you free." Jesus told us that. I choose to believe him. I don't feel like believing him because seeking the Truth has often left me feeling pretty tied up in knots. Not so free. But, in this mess I'm coming to understand that just like love, faith is, by its very nature, a choice.

I choose to believe in God. I choose to seek the truth. Always. I choose to receive the Eucharist. I choose to accept grace through the Sacrament of reconciliation. Just as I choose to unload the dishwasher, fold clothes and pick up dog mess. I don't wait until I feel it. I just choose it. I do it. And when I don't, everything falls apart.

She's worth it.

It isn't often I feel that warm fuzzy feeling of grace these days. But, there is truth that the scriptures have written in my heart. I can't bring you to chapter and verse (well..I COULD if I googled..but that isn't the point). Be not afraid, is carved in my heart. I am the bread of life. The truth shall make you free. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. I cannot flee from his presence. He is my shield. My shelter. He is my Father and my King. And so much more...

It is messy in my head, heart and home at times. But, at the end of every day I make the choice again (and again) to not lose faith. To choose faith. To choose life and love and dog poop (She's worth it...she really, really is). I choose to be honest with my kids that faith is messy sometimes. But, I also choose to show them that is ok. In fact, it is proof that much is going on. Just like I know it has been a good homeschooling day by the paint spills and math manipulatives strewn across the living room, I know that faith is alive and well in this family by the difficult questions we all ask and the honesty with which we approach our doubts and declare our truths. And I strive to build a treasure of truth inscribed upon the hearts of my children. Those familiar passages that will buoy them up even when I'm not there to remind them Those automatic responses when life gets hard--and they already know it gets hard.

The mess is cropped out right here...but, those toes!! :)

When we emerge from this storm of messy growth, I pray that it is because we have allowed grace to creatively bring that chaos into harmonious and beautiful order. I pray that the creation of our new life and "new" faith amid a sea of questions means that we grow into more compassionate, articulate, loving and committed disciples of Christ. I even pray that our messiness may be the very thing that calls some people to us. It is often easier to ponder truth with others who do not appear to already have it all figured out. We are a poster family for that. Come on over, pour a cup of coffee, step over the legos and ignore the pile of clean clothes. We're almost always ready and willing to ponder the big questions at our house. And if you are willing to embrace the mess with us, we're more than happy to share the grace.

(And..while you're here...please go read a post that says so beautifully why some of us feel so drawn to each other... A Common Depravity)