Do not be afraid

I had one of *those* days today.

Fear gripped me at several points.

First I snapped at my husband.

Then, I snapped at someone I work with at Church (AT CHURCH!).

I lost it crying as soon as my R.E. class was over and I realized that my heart was overflowing with fear. 

Health fears.

Family fears. 

Marriage fears. 

All replaying in a puzzled loop. 

I've been praying the Rosary. Reading the Word. Going to Mass. And yet my poise has been...utterly absent? How does this add up? How can I love God so much, and live that love so little (so much of the time)?

At Mass tonight, God tenderly answered those questions. "Get out of your own way" I felt Him say. "Let me...Let me be....Let me be your God...Let me be in charge of your life...stop trying to be me...Let me..."

As his body nourished my body and soul, the fear was warmed right away. For 30 glorious minutes I experienced the absolute absence of fear. For someone who has lived with anxiety (ptsd, panic diorder etc) pretty much non-stop for 20 years, this was a profound grace. Fear was replaced with peace. Warmth. Love. 

A generalized feeling of a thawing melt.

And this glimpse, is enough to renew my faith. To give me strength for the journey. To make me write out sticky notes and place them everywhere that say "LET ME!"

Tonight, two friends have reached out with fears of their own....And I reach up like a child for the familiar words...the soothing hymn the gentle command of "Do not be afraid, I am with you". And I share this hymn with them...and with you.

I am the Word that leads all to freedom
I am the peace the world cannot give
I will call your name, embracing all your pain
Stand up, now, walk, and live

 Amen.