I want it NOW

I'm guilty of scolding my children for things I'm yet to figure out myself.

One of the most glaring disparities between what I say and what I do is in the area of really desiring (and often seeking) immediate gratification.

I mean....we're totally set up for it in this world--well, at least and especially in the United States.

When we're hungry we swing into a fast food stop.

When we're bored we turn on a screen.

When we want a relationship we go shopping for a date online.

When we want an answer to a question we google it--- even if it means using voice activated software while we're driving.

We no longer can call this a NOW generation. It is just a NOW world--it applies equally to my children as it does to their Grandparents.

I have a long list of things I want. As in yesterday. I want the irrational: I want Mike to have never been depressed, for our marriage to have thrived, and for him to have never died. I desire that I had actually finished college the first time around, to never have left the cocoon of Hawaiian seas and mountains and to have homeschooled my kids with perfect patience and without pause. Right there describes a slice of heaven for me: to love and feel loved again, to feel "finished", safe, and to have lead my children on the best path for them at all times.  Those desires, some of them cushioned beneath regret, are easy for me to lift up to God and let him mold and transform because it is relatively easy for me to accept that I cannot change the past. I cannot have any of those things right Now. For some, I have to even wait until the end of my life here on earth...

The desires that trip me up are the worthy and worldy goals that I have absolutely no patience to achieve.

I want a loving relationship with a good (in every possible way) partner. Actually, to be honest, I really want to skip to being married, eating popcorn on the couch laughing at Jon Stewart and Jimmy Fallon. I want it NOW. Not after I've "found myself" (What?!?) and slugged through the shallow pool of single men with few values, bitter hearts and shirtless selfies until I hopefully (everyone cross their fingers and toes!!) happen upon "the one."

I want letters after my name. Now. MSW? PsyD? PhD? But, I'd like to skip to at least the end of my undergraduate degree and already have received an acceptance letter to a desirable program..OH! And have a perfect nanny/homeschool tutor lined up so I can disrupt my kid's lives as little as possible.

I want to know how the story ends. NOW.  Except, if I'm honest with myself I'm not always comforted by the promise of heaven...sometimes I'm like "Yeah, yeah, yeah...I get that..that's great...but, what's your fairy tale plan for working out my perfect life here on earth again?"

Me. I want it. Right. Now.

And yet, like I try to teach my children, I know (gulp) it isn't all about me and what I want.

And we rarely get what we want right now.

Nor should we.

I am admonished, more than comforted by the Psalm (27:14) that reminds:

"Wait for the Lord;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the Lord."

I'm lead to ponder: 
  
"He has made everything suitable for its time; moreover he has put a sense of past and future into their minds, yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end." Ecclesiastes 3:11

These are jagged little pills for me to swallow. My instincts are to spit them out and throw a tantrum. NOT your time Lord, MINE! I will have courage when you give me a plan that gives me a reason to be BRAVE! 

He has given me a plan....

And He has made me promises for patience...

"Give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you." Luke 6:38

and

"Why do you call me ‘Lord, Lord,’ and not do what I tell you? ⁴⁷ Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like: ⁴⁸ he is like a man building a house, who dug deep and laid the foundation on the rock. And when a flood arose, the stream broke against that house and could not shake it, because it had been well built.^{[c] 49} But the one who hears and does not do them is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. When the stream broke against it, immediately it fell, and the ruin of that house was great." Luke 6:46-49

I take a deep breath and sigh.

Down on my knees (both figuratively or literally) I go, once again. I beg, Lord, help me build a sure foundation. Lead me on your paths at your pace and in your time. Help me be the pillar of patience and strength that teaches my children that there is nothing in this wordly existence that will ever fully satisfy. As St. Augustine teaches us, our hearts are restless until they rest in God.

Nothing I think I want will soothe that restlessness for more than a moment. Unless it is truly of God and for His glory. For Him, not me.

The only peace I've ever had or will ever have is from the peace that is built with grace on the foundation of Christ and his Church. That peace, when I dig deep and touch it once again, has not been shaken by change, death or confusion. It can't even be truly shaken by demanding desires. That peace is not something I created, but rather something I've invited into my Soul. It is there beneath the demanding two year old in my childish heart that wants answers and satisfaction right now. I know where and how to reacquaint myself with it. I just need to settle down and do it.

If there is anything at all the demands attention right NOW, it is that...

Peace...His peace...be with you..and with me...Right. Now.

The Mess Matters

I'm much more comfortable posting pictures like this, than of the legos..and the chewed up paper cup...and the clean laundry pile... You don't mind, right?

I'm here to say that in my life, matters of faith are messy. Oh, I know it is I who brings the mess. Makes a mess. Confuses the heck out of myself and everyone else. But, like my blog byline says, It is a crazy life, but it is OURS.

And somewhere in the past 2 years since I first became a single mom by separation and then through widowhood by suicide I've stopped worrying so much about what it looks like from the outside and I'm just busy grasping at grace--and God knows I need grace right now.

I've looked for grace in all the usual places, in unexpected places, in my church, in other churches. In books and talks and long conversations with friends all over the world. I've asked deep questions (really, really deep questions) and searched for answers that *feel* right.

I'm here to tell you nothing *feels* right.

"Ye shall seek the Truth and the Truth shall make you free." Jesus told us that. I choose to believe him. I don't feel like believing him because seeking the Truth has often left me feeling pretty tied up in knots. Not so free. But, in this mess I'm coming to understand that just like love, faith is, by its very nature, a choice.

I choose to believe in God. I choose to seek the truth. Always. I choose to receive the Eucharist. I choose to accept grace through the Sacrament of reconciliation. Just as I choose to unload the dishwasher, fold clothes and pick up dog mess. I don't wait until I feel it. I just choose it. I do it. And when I don't, everything falls apart.

She's worth it.

It isn't often I feel that warm fuzzy feeling of grace these days. But, there is truth that the scriptures have written in my heart. I can't bring you to chapter and verse (well..I COULD if I googled..but that isn't the point). Be not afraid, is carved in my heart. I am the bread of life. The truth shall make you free. Nothing can separate us from the love of Christ. The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want. I cannot flee from his presence. He is my shield. My shelter. He is my Father and my King. And so much more...

It is messy in my head, heart and home at times. But, at the end of every day I make the choice again (and again) to not lose faith. To choose faith. To choose life and love and dog poop (She's worth it...she really, really is). I choose to be honest with my kids that faith is messy sometimes. But, I also choose to show them that is ok. In fact, it is proof that much is going on. Just like I know it has been a good homeschooling day by the paint spills and math manipulatives strewn across the living room, I know that faith is alive and well in this family by the difficult questions we all ask and the honesty with which we approach our doubts and declare our truths. And I strive to build a treasure of truth inscribed upon the hearts of my children. Those familiar passages that will buoy them up even when I'm not there to remind them Those automatic responses when life gets hard--and they already know it gets hard.

The mess is cropped out right here...but, those toes!! :)

When we emerge from this storm of messy growth, I pray that it is because we have allowed grace to creatively bring that chaos into harmonious and beautiful order. I pray that the creation of our new life and "new" faith amid a sea of questions means that we grow into more compassionate, articulate, loving and committed disciples of Christ. I even pray that our messiness may be the very thing that calls some people to us. It is often easier to ponder truth with others who do not appear to already have it all figured out. We are a poster family for that. Come on over, pour a cup of coffee, step over the legos and ignore the pile of clean clothes. We're almost always ready and willing to ponder the big questions at our house. And if you are willing to embrace the mess with us, we're more than happy to share the grace.

(And..while you're here...please go read a post that says so beautifully why some of us feel so drawn to each other... A Common Depravity)

Reflections about Memorial Day

Feeling so grateful for TIME magazine and all the attention they bring to those serving in the military. Please follow this link to read my reflections about Memorial Day weekend...there you will also find a link to the cover story about suicides in the military written by Mark Thompson in July.

Please pray for the souls of the departed this Memorial Day weekend--especially those who have selflessly served our country. And, remember their families too....

A song for the season

Where to Begin...

Everything comes from love, all is ordained for the salvation of man, God does nothing without this goal in mind.
-Saint Catherine of Siena

  

 

Photo Credit: Allegra Boverman

Many years ago, when I was first beginning my journey home to the Catholic Church, my soul was deeply stirred by a homily given by our Pastor. His message was something along the lines that he really hated it when people said "God will never give you more than you can handle...". I leaned forward. This was interesting. I really hated it when people said that to me (even back then). He argued that he didn't think God sent all the bad things that happen in our lives. When a person opens fire in a theater, or a school, when a child gets cancer from the factory down the road leaking toxins into the water tables, when a husband chooses to beat his wife or children--these aren't from God. God simply doesn't send such things for us to handle. Human beings, with free-will, and all the effects of original sin are at the root of such suffering.   Nowhere in the Holy Bible are those words--God doesn't give you more than you can handle-- written in that way. Our pastor said what the Word does tell us is God gives us enough grace to get through anything--anything--we are faced with.

"God is able to make every grace abundant for you, so that in all things, always having all you need, you may have an abundance for every good work." 2 Cor 9:8

In the years since I heard that homily and pondered its Truth much has happened.

Our oldest child was diagnosed with Leukemia.


My husband suffered from major depression that took a devastating toll on our family. We lived on eggshells. And everywhere I turned for help was a brick wall.

Our marriage was ending in separation and heading toward divorce.

And my husband, the man who had been my best friend since I was 19 years old, the man who stood by my side through the birth of three children, 8 moves (in 11 years), and whom I had stood by through undergraduate, medical school and the beginning of residency...  

My husband died by suicide just this last March.

Father Matthew Green Celebrating Mike's Funeral Mass:

Photo Credit: Allegra Boverman, courtesy Gloucester Daily Times.

One of my first rants to God was "HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK WE COULD HANDLE ONE MORE THING?" 
 
Yet, within hours of receiving the suicide note via email on my phone, we were entirely carried by grace.

The midwife who was on the phone with me as they searched for Mike in the hospital, frantically hoping we could prevent his plan, is a devout Catholic. She was calm. She was comforting. When they found him and were running a code blue, she asked if I wanted her to call for a priest. It was due to that grace, and her quick thinking, that Mike received conditional absolution within minutes of being placed on life support.

The next morning, the school in my small town was making arrangements for grief counselors to come to my home...to help find impossible words to share with my children that not only was their beloved Daddy's life in the balance, Mommy now had to fly 6,000 miles away to try to help him (and ultimately, to make impossible "end of life" decisions). And I was only getting on that plane because of a true friend who was courageous enough to tell me that I had to go...no matter how scared I was..no matter how much I wanted to just stay and encase my babies in my arms. Forever.

There were the five girlfriends in Hawaii who never left my side. Not for a moment. And they prayed. And they inspired. And someday I'll try to write an entire post about how God prepared the way for me to get through those impossible days by giving me the best, and most faithful, friends in the world. There were those five. And then, there were the friends back in Massachusetts holding down the fort. Loving my children. Somehow making it all as ok as it possibly could be. And there were my friends all over the world holding me up in prayer, available at all hours of the night and assuring me never, not for one moment, would I need to fear that we, or Mike, would be forsaken.

The young pregnant friend (living in Hawaii, but from my hometown) who marched me straight into the General's office to make sure Mike's story was told. And soon. 

The dear priest who was already our friend and who somehow just knew the right answer for a 6 year old crouching on the floor (who could not yet find words or enough tears to express his feelings about the death of his father) was the iphone app on that makes sounds like a light-sabre.

Kyler and Maddie Reading

Prayers of the Faithful

With Help from my brother.

The little friend who brought my daughter straight to their favorite "swear tree" because they intuitively knew that no "good" words were sufficient in this case. And the mother who was willing to scoop up my daughter and take her there even though I couldn't believe there was a soul that walks on this earth who would be willing to "enter in" to this drama with us.

He made His grace abundant for us.
He didn't send Leukemia to us.
Or a failing marriage.
Or depression.
Or suicide.

He just sent grace.

Photo: Allegra Boverman/GDT

In fact, I am certain He wept with us in each of these sorrows. Certain.


And He didn't stop there....

God gives us all the grace we need...and even enough so we can pay it forward...

Already, I have been given opportunities to share Mike's story (told first here at the Gloucester Daily Times) and help make meaningful changes to how mental illness is approached and treated within the military. Mark Thompson and Nancy Gibbs at TIME magazine did a cover story: One A Day  

Our families ever faithful Casualty Assistance Officer making sure every detail is attended to with dignity and honor.

Photo: Allegra Boverman/GDT

There is currently an average of 1 suicide a day in our active armed forces.

There is an average of a suicide every eighty minutes including all Veterans. There is also good help available. Starting with the military crisis line at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Obama issued an executive order: Read about it here

And there is more...the conversation is ongoing. It has been ongoing for years, but many of us are making sure we add our voices until we are really heard. We won't be silent until there is enough help. Enough support. Real support. 

God's grace is present in all of the good support that is present for our troops. For their families. For the survivors of loss.

I do not believe God is watching over me mulling over a long list of travesties and deciding just how far he can push the limits with me today. Rather, I believe him to be a loving Father, watching over me, knowing all, having a much better and bigger picture than any human being ever can. I believe he is pouring out grace, abundant grace, sufficient to get us through all things. And abundant enough to share with the world.

**Disclaimer..I believe this..I strive to live it..but, I fall short. If you know me, you know the hot mess I can be in any given moment (and often in many days strung together end to end). But, this is what I believe. And it is where I will come for comfort again and again. Until, I pray, I finally understand it.

 CPT Michael R. McCaddon, MD

June 20, 1974 - March 21, 2012

Eternal Rest Grant Him, O Lord