Where to Begin...

Everything comes from love, all is ordained for the salvation of man, God does nothing without this goal in mind.
-Saint Catherine of Siena

  

 

Photo Credit: Allegra Boverman

Many years ago, when I was first beginning my journey home to the Catholic Church, my soul was deeply stirred by a homily given by our Pastor. His message was something along the lines that he really hated it when people said "God will never give you more than you can handle...". I leaned forward. This was interesting. I really hated it when people said that to me (even back then). He argued that he didn't think God sent all the bad things that happen in our lives. When a person opens fire in a theater, or a school, when a child gets cancer from the factory down the road leaking toxins into the water tables, when a husband chooses to beat his wife or children--these aren't from God. God simply doesn't send such things for us to handle. Human beings, with free-will, and all the effects of original sin are at the root of such suffering.   Nowhere in the Holy Bible are those words--God doesn't give you more than you can handle-- written in that way. Our pastor said what the Word does tell us is God gives us enough grace to get through anything--anything--we are faced with.

"God is able to make every grace abundant for you, so that in all things, always having all you need, you may have an abundance for every good work." 2 Cor 9:8

In the years since I heard that homily and pondered its Truth much has happened.

Our oldest child was diagnosed with Leukemia.


My husband suffered from major depression that took a devastating toll on our family. We lived on eggshells. And everywhere I turned for help was a brick wall.

Our marriage was ending in separation and heading toward divorce.

And my husband, the man who had been my best friend since I was 19 years old, the man who stood by my side through the birth of three children, 8 moves (in 11 years), and whom I had stood by through undergraduate, medical school and the beginning of residency...  

My husband died by suicide just this last March.

Father Matthew Green Celebrating Mike's Funeral Mass:

Photo Credit: Allegra Boverman, courtesy Gloucester Daily Times.

One of my first rants to God was "HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY THINK WE COULD HANDLE ONE MORE THING?" 
 
Yet, within hours of receiving the suicide note via email on my phone, we were entirely carried by grace.

The midwife who was on the phone with me as they searched for Mike in the hospital, frantically hoping we could prevent his plan, is a devout Catholic. She was calm. She was comforting. When they found him and were running a code blue, she asked if I wanted her to call for a priest. It was due to that grace, and her quick thinking, that Mike received conditional absolution within minutes of being placed on life support.

The next morning, the school in my small town was making arrangements for grief counselors to come to my home...to help find impossible words to share with my children that not only was their beloved Daddy's life in the balance, Mommy now had to fly 6,000 miles away to try to help him (and ultimately, to make impossible "end of life" decisions). And I was only getting on that plane because of a true friend who was courageous enough to tell me that I had to go...no matter how scared I was..no matter how much I wanted to just stay and encase my babies in my arms. Forever.

There were the five girlfriends in Hawaii who never left my side. Not for a moment. And they prayed. And they inspired. And someday I'll try to write an entire post about how God prepared the way for me to get through those impossible days by giving me the best, and most faithful, friends in the world. There were those five. And then, there were the friends back in Massachusetts holding down the fort. Loving my children. Somehow making it all as ok as it possibly could be. And there were my friends all over the world holding me up in prayer, available at all hours of the night and assuring me never, not for one moment, would I need to fear that we, or Mike, would be forsaken.

The young pregnant friend (living in Hawaii, but from my hometown) who marched me straight into the General's office to make sure Mike's story was told. And soon. 

The dear priest who was already our friend and who somehow just knew the right answer for a 6 year old crouching on the floor (who could not yet find words or enough tears to express his feelings about the death of his father) was the iphone app on that makes sounds like a light-sabre.

Kyler and Maddie Reading

Prayers of the Faithful

With Help from my brother.

The little friend who brought my daughter straight to their favorite "swear tree" because they intuitively knew that no "good" words were sufficient in this case. And the mother who was willing to scoop up my daughter and take her there even though I couldn't believe there was a soul that walks on this earth who would be willing to "enter in" to this drama with us.

He made His grace abundant for us.
He didn't send Leukemia to us.
Or a failing marriage.
Or depression.
Or suicide.

He just sent grace.

Photo: Allegra Boverman/GDT

In fact, I am certain He wept with us in each of these sorrows. Certain.


And He didn't stop there....

God gives us all the grace we need...and even enough so we can pay it forward...

Already, I have been given opportunities to share Mike's story (told first here at the Gloucester Daily Times) and help make meaningful changes to how mental illness is approached and treated within the military. Mark Thompson and Nancy Gibbs at TIME magazine did a cover story: One A Day  

Our families ever faithful Casualty Assistance Officer making sure every detail is attended to with dignity and honor.

Photo: Allegra Boverman/GDT

There is currently an average of 1 suicide a day in our active armed forces.

There is an average of a suicide every eighty minutes including all Veterans. There is also good help available. Starting with the military crisis line at 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Obama issued an executive order: Read about it here

And there is more...the conversation is ongoing. It has been ongoing for years, but many of us are making sure we add our voices until we are really heard. We won't be silent until there is enough help. Enough support. Real support. 

God's grace is present in all of the good support that is present for our troops. For their families. For the survivors of loss.

I do not believe God is watching over me mulling over a long list of travesties and deciding just how far he can push the limits with me today. Rather, I believe him to be a loving Father, watching over me, knowing all, having a much better and bigger picture than any human being ever can. I believe he is pouring out grace, abundant grace, sufficient to get us through all things. And abundant enough to share with the world.

**Disclaimer..I believe this..I strive to live it..but, I fall short. If you know me, you know the hot mess I can be in any given moment (and often in many days strung together end to end). But, this is what I believe. And it is where I will come for comfort again and again. Until, I pray, I finally understand it.

 CPT Michael R. McCaddon, MD

June 20, 1974 - March 21, 2012

Eternal Rest Grant Him, O Lord